b e t t e r
f a m il y
“Seeing our kids
in their new light
was a special
comfort to us all.”
BONNIE PRESS
THE BIRTH OF A CLUB
They, along with their husbands and
the parents of two of their boys’ other
friends, began to gather once a month
over a potluck dinner to support each
other, keep better track of their teens’
tales and activities, and most
important, figure out how to raise
adolescents to be mature, indepen-
dent young adults. “And that,” Kathy
says, “was how the Stealth Parents
Club started.”
Ruth recalls that, at first, her son
was suspicious of the confidential
parent gatherings. “You’re spying on
us,” Mike accused. Fellow club
member Bonnie Press remembers that
her son, Evan, complained that there
seemed to be new rules of conduct
after every meeting.
But over time, the boys came to
accept, if not exactly love, the
additional eyes watching over them.
They appreciated that their parents
sought advice before settling a
dispute, and the teens sometimes
even asked that a matter be put on the
club’s agenda before a final ruling.
One of the club’s major issues
concerned teens and cars. At the
time, the boys were too young to
drive and often asked to ride with
friends’ older siblings. The parents
decided that the risk was too great
and forbade their kids from being-
passengers of unapproved drivers.
Parents say the group ban helped
their kids resist peer pressure and
rein in their wilder inclinations.
THE BIGGER PICTURE
Dr. Michael Jellinek, chief of child
psychiatry at Massachusetts General
Hospital in Boston, says the Stealth
Parents Club seems to strike a good
balance between being too strict and
too lenient. “The goal of adolescence
is to build autonomy and prepare for
the essential freedom that comes
with driving at age 16 to 17 and
college at 17 to 18,” he says. “Give
children measured opportunities to
spread their wings and build trust, to
succeed and fail.”
Jellinek says wise parents must
distinguish between high-risk
behaviors and less risky situations,
where tight control can be counter-
productive. “Teens often take
pleasure in beating a parent’s
system,” he says.
NEW PERSPECTIVES
One of the most positive and
surprising benefits of the Stealth
Parents Club was the opportunity for
the parents to consider their kids
through other parents’ eyes. “Seeing
our kids in their new light was a
special comfort to us all,” says
Bonnie. “I believe the club worked
because we feel true affection for
each other’s kids.”
The group’s four children are
young adults now. But the club lives
on. The parents still have plenty to
discuss about their boys’ lives:
academics, career plans, and the
ever-present concerns of sex,
alcohol, and drugs. As Kathy puts it,
“A parent’s job is never done.”
Internet-based parenting m essage
boards provide a confidential
alternative when a neighborhood
parenting group is im practical.
W eb sites like
ParentsPlace.com
and
FamilyEducation.com
host
m essage boards to help parents
deal with the challenges of raising
children. After registering with the
W eb site sponsors, parents can
post questions anonym ously and
receive responses from other
participants. O r they can just
follow threads of conversation
w ithout posting a message. Som e
topics, such as curfew s,
step-parenting struggles, and teen
birth control, always generate a
lot o f extended online discussion
and friendly advice.
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OCTOBER 2009 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
PHOTO: VEER
